Choosing Softness in a World That Demands Strength

There’s a story many of us have been told since childhood—spoken or unspoken. It says: Be strong, be reliable, be resilient, no matter what. And for many women, especially Black and Brown women, that story has become a survival tool. But survival isn’t the same as wellness. And being “strong” all the time? That can be the very thing that keeps us from healing.

Today, I want to offer another story. One that invites you to honor your softness, protect your peace, and redefine what strength looks like on your own terms.

The Unseen Cost of "Being Strong"

You know what’s rarely talked about? How strength can become a mask.

Behind it, we carry the weight of showing up for everyone—while being disconnected from ourselves. We push through work deadlines, family obligations, breakups, trauma, illness—sometimes without so much as a breath. But strength that is disconnected from truth is not strength—it’s self-abandonment in disguise.

Many of us didn’t grow up with models of healthy boundaries. We were taught to be “good,” to be selfless, to be available at all times. But somewhere in the process, we learned to ignore the alarm bells in our bodies. We told ourselves the exhaustion was normal. That being overwhelmed was just part of life. That breaking down was weakness.

But it’s not.

Burnout is not the problem. It’s the proof—the smoke that tells you there’s a fire you’ve been trying to ignore. And the longer we ignore it, the louder it gets—through our bodies, our relationships, our spirits.

Redefining Boundaries as Self-Compassion

Let’s be clear: boundaries are not punishments. They’re acts of clarity. Of truth-telling. Of self-love.

A boundary says:

“This is what I need to be well.”

It might be as simple as needing the first hour of your morning in silence. Or choosing not to answer texts after 8 PM. Or declining that group outing because what you really need is rest and solitude.

Here’s what often stops us: guilt.

We feel guilty for needing space. Guilty for disappointing others. Guilty for choosing ourselves.

But guilt is not always a sign you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes, guilt is just a sign you’re doing something new—something that prioritizes your well-being instead of your performance.

And if you're worried about how someone will react to your boundary, remember this: the people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will always resist your decision to create them. That doesn’t make your boundary wrong.

Softness Is Strength, Too

We live in a culture that celebrates hustle and hard edges. But what about the quiet strength of not doing? Of choosing rest. Of choosing stillness. Of choosing presence over productivity?

Softness does not mean weakness. Softness is the ability to say, “I’m not okay right now” and let yourself be held. It’s the courage to cry in the middle of the day because your body needs release. It’s the quiet decision to cancel brunch, not because you don’t love your friends, but because you’re learning to love yourself.

Choosing softness is a radical act. Especially when the world tells you to be “strong” at all costs. Especially when your trauma taught you that asking for help is dangerous. Especially when your identity is already policed and politicized in every space you enter.

But you are not here to carry everything alone.

We Heal in Community, Not Isolation

Yes, healing starts within—but it is sustained in connection.

Isolation might feel safe at first. But real growth happens when we let ourselves be witnessed in our humanity. When we’re not just strong for others, but vulnerable with others. When we build friendships rooted in mutual care, and surround ourselves with people who see us—not just for what we give, but for who we are.

Healing in community looks like:

• Joining a local wellness group or meet-up centered around your interests.

• Creating small, intentional gatherings with friends who “get it.”

• Asking for support even when it feels uncomfortable.

• Practicing mirror work—learning to speak to yourself with gentleness and truth.

  
  

The goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to be real.

You Are Worthy of Your Own Care

If you’ve been waiting for permission to pause, let this be it.

You don’t have to earn your rest.

You don’t have to apologize for needing care.

You are allowed to take up space in your own life.

Let me say it clearly: Your boundaries are a form of self-respect. Your softness is sacred. Your burnout is not a failure—it’s an invitation.

An invitation to slow down.

To reconnect.

To come home to yourself.

A Gentle Reflection

As you move through this week, I invite you to sit with this question:

🟣 Where in my life have I mistaken burnout for strength? And how can I invite more softness into that space?

Let it guide your choices.

Let it reshape your relationships.

Let it remind you that healing is not a destination—it’s a return to your truest self.

You deserve a life that honors all of you—your power, your softness, your stillness, your joy.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

🎧 Listen now:

▶️ Episode 13: Building friendships and a community of support as an adult woman of color Listen here

▶️ Episode 14: The Soft Power of Boundaries: Thriving Professionally Without Burning Out Listen here